Chapter III

I could hardly focus on anything. I still could hear his quiet voice and cheerful laughter. Even in my cousin, I could catch a glimpse of his humour and cheekiness. In my dad, I heard his seriousness. In one of illustrations on my textbooks, I thought I saw a flash of his boyish smile.
I sighed and turned back to the array of notes splayed over the study table. And tried to ignore that irritating, whiny voice deep inside me, that is more commonly known as your conscience.

“Ariel, get a life! How could you ever fall so madly in love with a complete stranger? He doesn’t even know your name! You jolly well know that he doesn’t like you; you’ll only get hurt… You know that all too well, don’t you?” it whined shrilly.

All my emotions were conflicting. If there were a colour that represented each emotion, mine would be a jumbled mess with blotches of brown and black and streaks of red, green and orange daubed on the borders.

I groaned and pressed my forehead onto the cool surface of my study table, letting the faint scent of beech wood fill my lungs. I inhaled deeply.

All of a sudden, a firm grip on my shoulder started me. It was Mom.

“You need some sleep badly,” her voice sounded concerned. A cool palm was pressed onto my warm forehead. “You go to bed now. You can’t fall sick, exams are coming!”

Her voice had taken on a worried, motherly tone.

“Yup,” I mumbled sleepily. “I’ll go catch some sleep as soon as I finish this darned project!”

I began gathering the papers, worksheets, notes and my thumb drive randomly and shoved them into my file. I gave my mother a reassuring nod.

“Mom, I’m going to bed soon… I’ll be fine.”

Mom disappeared into the bedroom and I heard the door click firmly shut. The clock’s incessant ticking echoed in the silent living room. It made my head swim…

The loud, jarring ringtone from my handphone broke the peace and quiet. I snatched it almost immediately, not wanting to wake my parents. My dad was worse than the worst tempered grizzly bear if he was awoken in the middle of the night for no good reason.

Then, my heart skipped a beat. For a fleeting moment, I wished it were Gerard who had somehow obtained my number from Emma.

But I glanced at the glowing screen, with a sinking heart, the disappointment overwhelming me. Isabel.

“Hello?” I whispered in such a low voice, that it was almost lower than a purr.

“Hi, Ariel,” Isabel responded, equally softly. “You know what?”

“What?”

“OK, Emma got wind of a project that we’re going to be given tomorrow…”

“Uh huh, what is it?”

“It’s something about a writing competition with really attractive prizes. You know what a fanatic she is about writing.”

“Yup…”

“OK, listen up, I’ve gotta make this quick. My phone doesn’t have free outgoing calls…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever…”

“Listen to me! This competition, whatever, doesn’t allow individual entries, so we’re gonna work with her. This Saturday, Emma and I are going to the library to do some research for the project. And… can you make it?”

“This Saturday… Uh… Lemme see… I guess so. But only after eleven.”

“Eleven?! Why?”

“Piano lesson,” I scowled darkly.

“Alright then, I’ll tell Emma,” If Isabel was disappointed; her voice betrayed nothing. “Goodnight. Bye.”

“Hey, wait a second, Isabel!” I gasped, but I was greeted only by the monotonous beep after the click of her receiver.

I had wanted to ask Isabel if that was all Emma had mentioned. Did she bring up Gerard’s name? Did she speak to him? And if she did, did he… happen to bring me up?

I let the cool metal of my handphone slip through my clammy fingers into its pouch, with a soft ‘thud’.

Turning slowly, I shuffled back to my bedroom.
*****

There was an incredible amount of homework the following day as it was Friday. We had three projects simultaneously! I was trying to focus on what the teacher was saying, trying to keep the classroom from whirling into a dizzying mixture of psychedelic colours.

I had insisted on going to school that morning, even though I was unwell! All I could hear was Gerard’s promise to meet me that day…

A wave of nausea swept through me. My stomach threatened to turn inside out and tip the breakfast contents onto my white uniform. I fought wave after wave of nausea with weakened strength, but was finally successful in keeping my food where it belonged.

The day passed with feverish delirium. Once or twice, Isabel and Emma noticed my pale lips and clammy fingers, but the answer I gave was the same.

“I’m fine, I’m okay.”

There was much talk among the three of us about the following day’s meeting. We would meet from twelve to three, for the project. From three to four, we would allow ourselves an indulgence in window shopping, snack tasting and other treats to take our overworked minds away from homework and the like.

I was barely myself as the day drew to a conclusion. Having waited at the bus-stop for Gerard for the past fifteen minutes that seemed to melt into eternity, my anxiety was growing by the minute.

Finally, I noticed Gerard’s lanky silhouette in the shadows approaching the bus-stop with three
other guys and… and… a girl.

My grin of anticipation faded as I recognized the familiar chirpy voice, the cropped hair and large, beautiful eyes. It was Emma. Every nerve in my body tingled with jealousy, a feeling so entirely new and raw to me, that I was fighting back stinging tears.

“Yo, Ariel!” Emma waved, as she strode up to me. “Gerard just told me that he’s signing up for the Budding Writers’ Competition too! Coincidence, eh?”

I did not say a word. How could Emma have betrayed me? She was my best friend and didn’t she know that I had a crush on Gerard? Perhaps not… But I felt as if I had liked Gerard all my life!

I glanced past Emma, at Gerard. His gaze met mine, yet the only response I received from him was a quizzical raise of his eyebrows. I was hurt.

Emma stared into my tear-filled eyes.

“Ariel… What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” she asked softly, putting a comforting arm around my shoulder.

I shrugged her arm off.

“I’m not crying!” I blinked rapidly, trying to keep more tears from gushing forth. “The wind… got into my eyes… made them water…” I became vaguely aware that I was speaking incoherently. But it did not matter to me, not anymore.

Emma did not appear to believe my words, but she did not question any further.

Bus 156 literally saved me the embarrassment of having to give any further explanation. I boarded the bus and jostled all the way to the back of the bus where I would be spared the torment of witnessing Gerard’s loving gaze at Emma.

I held back my tears… And choked back my sobs…

As soon as I reached home, I stormed into my bedroom and slammed the door. I found myself shaking with sobs as the warm, salty tears flowed down, thick and fast. This hurt was something I had never known before.

I cried till my tears ran dry, till I had lost my appetite for dinner.

The pain I was feeling was likened to a sharp stab in my heart, wrecking my whole being. I was very, very upset and only one word can be used to summarise my feelings.

Heartbroken.